I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
