my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
