they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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