I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
