I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
wow bdsm is so cute
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
