Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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