My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
