ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
The air taste purple.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
