i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
