I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
