woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
