I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
