my room smells like sperm. sweet.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
