Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Randomize
