All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
