Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He has the fingertips of a God
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
