I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
