So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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