His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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