Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
