I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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