I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
