i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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