i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
