I am in a vortex of obligation.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
