On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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