dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
