On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Randomize
