I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
