are you so shy because you have an std?
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
