I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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