My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
