The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
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