wrigley field is MILF paradise
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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