It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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