Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
