His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
