oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
