Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
