I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
