just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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