she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
