True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
