Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
