Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Barsexuality is the new black.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
