Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Randomize
