You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
