That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
