God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
