Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
